It\u2019s among the most difficult conversations parents and their adult children ever have: what plans have Mom and Dad made in the event of their death or incapacity?<\/p>\n
Yet as difficult as the conversation can be, having it can ward off a world of trouble. Not knowing an aging parent\u2019s wishes for their care, or for their estate, can cause stress and confusion, and perhaps permanent rifts between family members.<\/p>\n
Introducing the topic<\/strong>: A good way to open the subject with aging parents is to reference an article you read (perhaps this one!) that started you thinking, and made you realize you didn\u2019t know anything about your parents\u2019 plans. Or perhaps you have recently made or updated your estate plan; you might then let your parents know that you want them to be aware of your plans. That offers a natural segue to ask about their plans, and ask whom to contact or where to look to find their relevant information.<\/p>\n If you have a friend who has recently lost a parent, you might mention what a comfort it was to your friend to know their parents\u2019 wishes in advance, and to be able to mourn without having to go on a morbid scavenger hunt for paperwork. On the other hand, if your friend did not know their parents\u2019 wishes, you could gently mention how difficult that was for your friend and their family because of what your friend was never told.<\/p>\n Timing is important<\/strong>: While it\u2019s critical to address this issue, especially if your parents are advanced in age or ill, be sensitive to matters of timing. Remember: this issue is emotional for your parents as well as for you. If possible, bring the subject up when everyone is well and in a good frame of mind, but not on a special occasion. Avoid introducing it when stress is high, such as when your dad is in the ER with chest pains, or your mom\u2019s sister has just passed away.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t go it alone<\/strong>: If possible, enlist siblings to have the conversation along with you, and discuss what you\u2019ll say in advance. This accomplishes two things: it gives you moral support, and helps avoid a scenario in which a sibling thinks you\u2019re unfairly trying to influence a parent. If having siblings along when you talk to your parents isn\u2019t possible, urge your parents to make their estate plan information available to your siblings as well as to you, and at the same time, to avoid hurt feelings.<\/p>\n